Reflections
We all have them. Moments or things that cause us to reflect on our lives. For me, September is a biggy. The first part of the month is an intense reminder of my failed marriage. My anniversary is on the 7th, this year would have been 19 years. She moved out on the 10th, this year makes 1 year. The second half is when I have my birthday, 28th. This year I will be 42! My life is not what I thought it would be.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lived a wonderful life. God has blessed me with 4 amazing, beautiful children. My life is full of friends who truly care about me. And I know and experience God in my life daily. Not a bad run so far, but always room for improvement.
At 14, I came into a relationship with Christ. This was a life altering moment for me, forever changing who I would be. Over the last 28 years, I have endeavored to learn God. To comprehend Him more fully. This has not been an easy task. Everyone has an opinion on who God is and what He wants. Over the years I have sat and listened to many people tell me about God, to express who they thought he was. Some my heart resonated with and others, I thought “you have no clue!”. Strange.
Now I dont presume to know that much, but I have had my faith shaken, shifted and down right turned upside down. The last couple of years has not only been a deep personal struggle, but also a hard look at God. Lots of yelling and crying out. Lots of anger, bitterness, rage! I would often look in the mirror and ask, who are you? I no longer knew myself and wondered if I really knew God. I mean after all, I trusted Him. How could he have let this happen?
What a delima. My days were filled with rage and down right anger with God and my nights were filled with sorry and crying out to Him. But He was kind. Every day He would allow my anger. Taking blow after after blow. Then at night He would pull me close, let me drop my head on His shoulder and just cry. Kinda strange, but I almost felt as if He were crying with me.
What have I learned? Life is hard. God is real. The future holds surpises and things unexpected. Friends are wonderful.
My heart resonates with that of the Psalmist, Giant Killer, Adulterer, Murder, and Father, David:
Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me;
God sends his love and his faithfulness. Psalm 57:1-3
Are you struggling? Cry out to him.
I love the song by the group Third Day, “Cry Out To Jesus”
